This is a page where I'll write whatever I'd like to. Perhaps about my day, or my thoughts. I enjoy reading other's journals, so I thought I'd make one for myself.

Content warning: I may allude to heavy topics, but I will never go in-depth about it online. I will tag my entries, so please hover over the ⚠ symbol to check content warnings.

>> DECEMBER 24TH, 2024: REPULSIVE COOKIE

    I don't have much to share, but I thought I should write a journal entry before this year ends. We have been dealing with extreme chronic fatigue, making it quite hard to stay awake or do much besides sleep for the past few weeks - the winter is known for that. But it is Christmas tomorrow, and I feel... something. I can't quite pinpoint what the feeling is, but it isn't something as simple as excitement, since we do not have anything to look forward to. We do not have a blood family to spend time with - we consider our internet friends our family. Yet I am sure they will be busy with their real families. Oh well, it is yet another lonely Christmas - though, I don't mind spending it with Allen. He is the one I care about most, after all... I have been worried about him and his health recently, though I won't go into that because it's private to us only.
    I do however wish I could make more friends or talk to more people. I'd like to meet people similar to us, but it is difficult to find someone like that. Besides, we already like the friends we have, it's just... we find it hard to talk to them since they're often busy. Well, I suppose that is life, so it is what it is.

>> APRIL 27TH, 2024: THE EYES BEHIND ME WIDEN

    Ah, a new journal entry. Since it is the weekend, we are spending time resting and playing games to regain energy. It helps us to work on assignments throughout the week... Hm. I quite enjoy getting invested into games and learning of every little mechanic, such as what the most damaging weapons are, or how combat works, etc... Small things like those are quite fun to adapt to and master, for me. It is the main reason why I enjoy Ultrakill and Project Moon quite a lot. Right now... I am playing Sharkbite 2 on Roblox. I believe Agent and Allen, as well as a few others in our system, enjoy this game quite a lot. For me, I am not particularly crazy over it, but I am playing it since they wanted to, and... Allen is watching me play it, since he is too tired to play himself. What a cute gat... Hm. ♡
    About Sharkbite 2... I am learning quite a lot that I had not known before. For example, as a shark, you can destroy the buoys which give you 15+ teeth. These buoys also locate where the shark is if the shark is around one of them, so destroying them allows for you to stay hidden. We have been playing it a lot more recently, so we managed to buy a Harpoon for our weapon, an Orca for our "shark," and now, we are saving up for the Marlin boat. We've been doing a lot of research as to what the best things are, of course, and surprisingly, there is not too much info on the wiki about weapons... However, there are thankfully a lot of videos which allow us to see how different things are used in the game, and by watching how others maneuver boats, sharks, or weapons, we can take a good guess as to what would be most helpful for us.
    For the weapon... the harpoon has been serving us well. I believe the rocket may be one we want to try out, but, I thoroughly enjoy the harpoon's dead-eye accuracy. The shark blaster is a surprisingly... shit weapon, in my opinion. We don't like how it is played, at least for our style. As for sharks, the orca seemed like the coolest, and it is the 2nd best shark in the game. Funny, since it is not a shark at all, but... We like how it looks, and it's fun to play.
    And for the ships... This was a much harder choice. There are many good boats in the game, actually. Of course, it all depends on your play style. For us... Through gameplay, we saw that there are many boats that are faster than most sharks, so getting the "fastest" boat was not necessary. The fastest is Wildfire at 36,000 shark teeth... And second fastest is Marlin at 18,000 teeth. The speed difference is only marginal, so, we figured out that the best choice was Marlin due to the fact that the speed is enough to outrun basically any shark. Well.. I would argue that the speeds of many other high-tier boats are also very sufficient, such as the UFO or even the Titanic. The larger boats may not outrun sharks, but they have the upside of having so much to destroy that... Well, it can become hard for the shark to find you in all the wreckage. But I suppose that is not our playstyle - we enjoy being able to kill the shark, and kill it fast. So a speedy boat would be our style. Of course... There are also plenty of boats that supply you with turrets as well. However, these boats are actually much better as a team-oriented boat: you would want other players to help you out while killing the shark, and that is the way these boats can be the most effective. Killing the shark alone with one boat with turrets can be hard if the shark is good and the rest of the players are shit, which... they usually are. That's why we came to the conclusion that it would be best to get a solitary boat like Marlin, to kill the shark on our own. Actually, there is one more boat I recently have been considering to get as well.. That being the UFO. Knowing it can go underwater is a good benefit, but at the cost of some speed.. I wonder if it is worth it? Hmm.. It is hard for me to decide. Looking at its gameplay, it seems quite slow compared to how we would prefer...
    Another game I have been thinking about recently is Limbus Company, of course. I enjoy watching ESGOO's videos to learn more about the game mechanics, and the new video of the intermediate tutorial, well.. I knew a lot of the content on there already, but it was nice to brush up. I also learned about how tremor works, as I was not too sure exactly how it worked besides raising stagger threshold. I did not realize that the count would not be reduced instantly upon burst, which made me realize how strong tremor teams can be... And soon after, I watched a video on a tremor team destroying Faelantern, which was funny. I do think I would like to build a tremor team eventually, so I plan on sharding Regret Faust... But I am also heavily interested in how Phillip Sinclair will work. I hope he will be incredibly good for burn teams, as burn is, well.. It is certainly fun to play with and I absolutely love the Liu Association (I am biased), but it does not feel as powerful as other statuses yet, sadly. I hope this new ID can change the burn game, at least a little. Haha.

>> APRIL 26TH, 2024: I'VE LOST MY REFOUND CALLING

    A quick entry for today. We've been spending a lot of our time catching up on work. Despite this... Looking at our schedule now, I see that we have much more work due by the end of next week, which is.. miserable. So much work assigned so late for no damn reason. At least give us some time to do them... This is insane. But.. whatever. We will do our best and use our resources accordingly. Don't have all the time in the world, so we'll just spend the time we do have in order to complete the most pressing assignments.
    Besides that... Sigh. I am quite tired... Our body has been hurting a lot, lots of sharp pain and soreness, which is never good. Hands have been bleeding a lot for no reason at all, too, so that isn't fun. There's a lot of little scratches, so moving our hands and holding things can be very painful... Well, we try to use gloves to help, but of course, it is harder to do most tasks with gloves... But it is not too bad.
    And, I suppose we have been playing some games. I don't quite remember much of what Allen and Agent have been doing, but I have been playing Limbus Company, and I'm quite excited to see the Walpurgis update next week. I have also been playing a little bit of Phighting, since I had not played it in a while, and it got a few patches. It's still fun... when you don't play it too much, of course. I also played a bit of Ultrakill, as there was the brutal difficulty added. I managed to P-rank Act 1, but... It was actually quite hard, even though we did do it first try. I... do not really want to play Ultrakill right now, but that is probably because I am quite exhausted... I hope when we are done with all our work and this semester is finished, we can rest and regain energy to be able to have fun.
    I suppose besides that, all I want to say is... I love my partner very much. ♡ You've been working so hard, haven't you? I hope he will have a nice rest next to me, and wake up feeling refreshed... ♡ I love you so much, Allen. Muah.

>> APRIL 13TH, 2024: THROUGH PATCHES OF VIOLET

    Recently, I have been playing Limbus Company. Canto 6 was released, and I had finished the story... The battles were quite difficult at times, but after the nerf, it was much easier to get through them. Besides the mechanics, though... The story, character designs, art, and music are incredible. Listening to "Through Patches of Violet" by Mili... It is such a good song. When it was first introduced in Limbus, only half of it was played, and we had thought it sounded quite powerful on its own, not realizing there was a second part to it. Of course, the other half played during the last battle, which in itself was such an incredible thing to see play out... So good. There is a lot I could talk about, but my mind is clouded, and my thoughts are still quite jumbled on just what we experienced in this Canto. So, for now... I will just leave it at vague statements.
    It is nice to see parallels in the story, and similarities between not just two - but many, many characters. Quite interesting to see things kick off so early, when I had expected some of these events to take place much later... And, well, I suppose I could mention how parts of this Canto reminded me a lot of the game Slay the Princess... Two 'distinct' yet connected beings, connected in a way no one can truly understand, since in StP, there are Gods, metaphysical concepts... The way the characters in this Canto talk about one another is very interesting to see. To put it simply, StP reminded us of our experiences with DID, and so did Canto 6 with how some of the lines of dialogue were worded... I mean... There are just so many noticeable themes to see, and that is what I love about indie games with such elaborate stories. All in all... I am thinking about these characters very hard, and it is changing my brain chemistry, funnily enough. It is a nice feeling to be invested in a story so deeply.

>> MARCH 6TH, 2024: TRAPS A MIRACULOUS LEMNISCATE

    Been quite exhausted. We've been working nonstop to catch-up on our classes and be prepared for midterms + other assignments we had forgotten to turn in... Mm, I believe we'll still end up missing some, and I doubt we understand much of the material, but it is certainly more than what we knew before. So at the very least, our efforts have changed some things. Though, it's been unbearably exhausting to wake up, do our best to function all day, come home, sleep, and repeat. We've been losing a lot of sleep, and rarely eating meals (one a day, if at all). Trying to keep us in better shape... We need our body to function to be able to, well, handle this - handle existing. Thankfully.. once this week is over, we will have a break, and hopefully we can recharge. Half-way there, hm..? Can't believe this semester will end soon... Half-way through college, really.
    Once we're done with focusing on college work, I hope we're able to work more on our site. It is quite fun to be able to code and design webpages... Time-consuming, though. It was nice when we had more time. I hope things will not be more difficult from here on out. Now, I should get some food and prepare to head to bed. Goodnight.

>> FEBRUARY 27TH, 2024: IMAGINARY FIGMENTS IN THE ICU

    Today, I had a delicious meal of egg paratha with dressing. There was nice music playing, and I felt quite content. It can be hard for us to eat, let alone enjoy meals, but I'm glad to have been able to help. I felt that... in this moment, right now, I am okay. It is a pleasant feeling.

>> FEBRUARY 26TH, 2024: TIRED OF WAITING IN LINE ⚠

    Tomorrow, we have a math class in which we have homework due. We've been quite behind in our work, so we've been making an effort to try to catch up and stay on top of things. The problem with this class... Where do I even start? The professor isn't receptive, so asking for accomodations has been incredibly difficult. Thankfully, we have a meeting tomorrow in which we can discuss with other people on what extra accomodations we can receive in that class, so I hope that will turn out well. Besides that, the professor assigns homework every week, and it is quite a lot. The work is rather difficult for us to wrap our head around, abstract concepts. Frustrating. It took us about 5-6 hours to do half of one assignment, yet he assigns two assignments per week, so on average it takes us about 20 hours to do the work for this class each work. Remember how I said this week's work is due tomorrow? We haven't started it at all. So... I've been considering our options and trying to figure out what would be best to do. I think I'll take a look at the problems and try to gauge how long it may take. If it's possible, I'll do it. Otherwise... I guess I'll just leave it be, another missed assignment on the pile. Not a good feeling when midterms are coming up and we have little to no idea of what we're doing in any of our classes.. It is alright, though, because we have been trying hard and putting in a lot of effort. So we do have vague ideas of what we're doing in some classes, at the very least.
    Besides this math work... I wanted to work on my site, of course, so that's what I'm doing right now. I also wanted to play some ULTRAKILL, so I did. It is enjoyable. Lastly, I believe I wanted to play some PHIGHTING... But I have yet to do that, if we do get around to it today. It is alright if not, I'd rather us take things easy and do what we can. Whether it be taking care of our mental health by doing things we enjoy, or by trying to get some work done for our class. It has been a difficult few months of depression and active suicidal ideation, and we're only just now starting to rise up out of it. Hopefully this feeling of getting better lasts for... as long as it can.